Thursday, 9 February 2012

How to Sound Smart

We call it "the Art of Sounding Smart" or A.S.S. for short. Thing is, you want to sound smart to impress a colleague or friend or future wife. But you're not really that smart. Or so you think.

The very fact that you've come to this page is reason enough to believe you're smart. Why? Because you've realised that you don't need to know everything to sound smart. You just need to be able to sound like it, correct?

Well here's 6 examples and ideas we've put together on how people sound smart:

1. Hounding in on a word
Take an ordinary sentence, for example, your friend says, "Isn't it weird that some people choose not to be normal?" Now, you can nod your head and agree to whatever your friend says, or you can pretend to be smart by saying, "Ah but what is the definition of the word normal? Who the heck came up with this arbitrary term? What does it really mean?" and so on. So it looks like you have an opinion, where in fact you're just hounding on the term.

It's very good to have a nice arsenal of quotes that can be used in any circumstance, where you can just quote the quote and nod your head solemnly. Usually people also nod their heads with you, because most people don't memorise quotes. If you come across one that does, then counter their response with another quote from another source. For example:

Them: Yeah and I was like, heck no! There's no way that that can ever happen! What are you talking about? Haha
You (not really knowing what to say): Well, as Victor Hugo once said, "Cities, like forests, have their retreats in which the most evil and fearful of their denizens lurk in hiding... a cave is better than a city slum."
Them: Omg I love Victor Hugo! Especially when he says "Almost all our desires, when examined, contain something too shameful to reveal." Man that quote is my philosophy!
You (had no idea what Victor Hugo was): Yes, as Charles Finn once said, "I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying.  Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying."
Them: Ahh yeah... who's Charles Finn?
You: A great philosopher. You should read his books, they're quite marvelous. About how man became man. Such greatness! Such greatness...
Them (completely impressed and feeling out-of-depth): Uhm.. yeah okay yeah good idea..

[*Note: btw, see what other techniques I used in that one? 1. bluffing. 2. repetition "how man became man" -that's not saying anything is it? also the such greatness such greatness. sounds cool.]  

3. Using archaic or "upper-class" diction
And by that I mean, using old or big words. For example:

"I don't know what to write anymore! This is bullshit I hate life!"
...can be re-written as...
"Alas! Words no longer come to mind and there is no sustenance to my thoughts. What can a man do? Life has pushed me away, so I too, push Life away from me!"

which leads to...

4. Metaphors and Similes
As well as extended metaphors, called conceit. These things make you sound so freakin smart. A simile is when you liken one thing to another, for example "Your smile is like a sunshine on a cloudy day." A metaphor is when you say one thing IS the other, for example "Your smiles are the essence of my being." A conceit is just when you continue using the same metaphor for a long time, but that's for professionals. Anyways, here's another example for daily life usages:

"Damn I hate you so bad, you're so annoying! Go away!"
...can be re-written as...
"Your presence makes me suffocate on my own bile, and my blood boils like an inferno has risen from the pit of my stomach; how vile you are to me! You're a rabid dog that ought to be thrown to the hyenas!"

This one makes you seem smart enough to be a philosopher. Simply put, all you have to do is try to sound posh and make uncountable nouns or concept words into proper nouns and talk to them. For example:
"I hate life. I wish I could die. There's no use in living. What's the point? What are we here for?"
...can be re-written as...
"Life, how you make me bitter! Come closer to me Death! What has Mind given us that Heart has yearned for so long? Who will answer the call of Purpose, while she lives on in Earth?"

6. Rhetorical Questions
These are the most obnoxious questions there are. We've already utilised them in previous examples, but here are some really ass-whooping rhetorical questions that you can say with a smirk, or a "knowing" smile:

"Ah but what is a rhetorical question? You don't have to answer that."
"It's like asking, 'is it possible to cry under water?'"
"Can't you tell the difference between my lies and my truths?" (wink and smile)

Well there's 6 different ways for ya! Don't try them on someone who's smarter than you. There are quite a few more ways of sounding smart on paper but we couldn't list them all here. Do you have other ways of sounding smart? 

Sometimes you sound very smart if you pop in a word in another language oui?

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