Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Empty Nostalgia

Nostalgia threatens to tear my bones
To rip through muscle and flesh
My gore, to eat with fevered relish
And gnaw itself a home

Is it my heart that has a cavity
Have my teeth seeped through my tongue
I taste my sweet and acrid lungs
Do I breath-in gaps, -out sanity?

I try to fake a pleasant smile
And cough up my last meal
Stomach churning, my body feels
Like twisting, gaseous vile

I try to hide my hollow sickness
But it clings so visibly, wretch
I try to uproot it, powerful, wrench!
But tear a hole in my existence

Looking around, I see myself
Or a silhouette of a previous me
A halo, red, eclipsed body
And dust in abundance is my health

Scattered mind, scattered thoughts
A jigsaw about to break
Where is my soul? Oh soul forsake!
But my whispered voice is caught

I, a ghost, leave my place in the world
A vacuum waiting for sustenance
I, a shadow, with now no substance
Run away, fingers curled

I, now out, look fretful around
Does anyone actually notice?
I, now free, am something amiss
But nobody makes a sound?

I, in chains, brought upon by my mind
Cannot fathom my next action
I, now lost, with no reaction
Know not what I have to find

I, now frozen, but free from my space
Move aimlessly about
I, now, with purpose without
Can no longer see my face

I, now fearful, go back to my shape
Can I sew myself back in?
I, now worried, look deep within
Could I stick me back with tape?

A breath I take, a breath I sigh
And walk into that black door
"Please let me fit into my before,"
Tears forming in my eyes

I fill up that empty
And weep a little more
Like a dream, but body sore
I cheer and greet my memories 

I still feel the hollow
creeping on my back
I still feel the hole
alone and bulbous inside me
I still feel the air
congealing within me
I still feel the heart
beating an attack

Shivers still silence
 my stray thoughts in bed
A fever persists on my brow
Will I die yesterday, have I died now?
Confusion still meanders
through my head

I curl up and lie silent, awake
Waiting for pain to dissipate
Discomfort burns at a small dull rate
Throbbing while I abate

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